Does anyone make money around here?
This question means different things depending on who's asking it and when.
1. When customers start asking this, the company is Pre-Revenue.
2. When investors start asking this, it's about to be a Down Round.
3. When the founders start asking this, it's been an Awesome Journey.
1: http://svdictionary.com/words/pre-revenue
2: http://svdictionary.com/words/down-round
3: http://svdictionary.com/words/awesome-journey
employeeNumbaOne almost 8 years agoHousing Bubble
The artificial evolutionary mechanism which causes Silicon Valley to have a strong economy (because of the high density of wealth and talent) while simultaneously creating a permanent homeless problem.
Alicia: Hey, I'm thinking of relocating to the Bay Area. I'll be making $170K and my husband will stay at home to take care of the kids. Do you think that's enough? Diego: Hmm, well, move into a bad neighborhood, with a 2 hour commute and a shitty school district and you're cooking! Alicia: Haha, wait.... You're serious? Diego: Ohh Yea! You'll be cooking a lot too unless you want to spend $15 on a burger. Fast food employees gotta pay rent too! Thanks to this Housing Bubble
willgr81 almost 8 years agoDown Round
When you spend a borrowed $20, hit your pal up for $10 more, then wonder why your friends stop financing you.
After this, you can become a Zombie Startup [1] or write a Medium post about your Awesome Journey [2]. [1] http://svdictionary.com/words/zombie-startup
[2] http://svdictionary.com/words/awesome-journey
employeeNumbaOne almost 8 years agoResting and vesting
What you do after your Incredible Journey.
Accelerator -> Pre-Revenue -> Down Round -> Incredible Journey -> Resting and Vesting
employeeNumbaOne almost 8 years agoIncredible Journey
Game over.
We have some exciting news to share! Parse has joined forces with Facebook. It's been an incredible journey, and together we'll be able to offer -- -- lol jk, we're winding down the Parse service, and Parse will be fully retired after a year-long period ending on January 28, 2017. We're proud that we've been able to help so many of you build great mobile apps, but Facebook bought us to kill us. We're just sticking around until we're fully vested. After that, we're out. Fuck those guys.
employeeNumbaOne almost 8 years agoBachelor's Degree
An academic degree which typically consists of about 40 college classes in a particular field of study. Much like a startup, it is typically either undervalued (by the uneducated) or overvalued (by zealous parents) rather than being appreciated in equanimity as a testament to consistent work under an educational institution. Also known as Peter Thiel's Kryptonite
Harold: So I see that you got a Bachelor's Degree just last year? Katelyn: Yes, in Electrical Engineering Harold: Hmm, so can you use Linux? Katelyn: ...
willgr81 almost 8 years agoAgile
In a medium-sized and growing company, Agile can be a learning experience for everyone.
BigCo managers learn what it's like to ship tiny things instead of meeting about big things.
Software engineers learn what it's like to have parental supervision.
Early employees learn how to quit while they're ahead.
Manager: "We will remove obstacles from your workflow and refrain from micromanagement."
Engineer: "We will regularly estimate our stories and log our work."
Engineer: "Wait a minute, where's Early Employee?"
employeeNumbaOne almost 8 years agoLawyer
Bloodsucking parasites which benefit by deriving nutrients at the host's expense.
Founder 1: So what can you do for our company?
Lawyer: Well I can help you incorporate.
Founder 2: Just did that on legal zoom for $250
Lawyer: I, I can help you negotiate term sheets
Founder 2: Just googled everything we need to know about convertible debt
Lawyer: uhh, uhh, I can do other stuff too! Here, look, my finger's not really cut off! See!
Founder 1: Haha, that's nifty. Okay, we'll keep your card
Lawyer: *Desperately* Thank you!
Founder 1: *Flushes card down toilet after meeting*
willgr81 almost 8 years ago
Free Food
An excellent fringe benefit that increases employee morale, public image and work culture quality at low cost, it might even allow companies to pay out lower salaries or have better negotiation leverage for new hires.
Goldman Sachs employee: Yeah I go out to eat every so often, but I like to make my own lunch.
Facebook employee: Ha! we get free food every meal at Facebook!
Goldman Sachs employee: I hope you're stuffing it down, cuz all that free food comes out of your bonus pool! I just get a fatter check every year.
Facebook employee: *cries*
willgr81 almost 8 years agoCareer Fair
A time when recruiters try to get commission and college students desperately try to get their first taste of the real world. B.S is at a maximum.
David: Hey did you go to that career fair last week? Kara: Yeah, gotta look for those jobs David: Mo money, less problems
willgr81 almost 8 years agoConvertible Debt
An investment instrument which allows both founders and investors to procrastinate on the most important aspect of a business. Essentially an investment in a flamewar. Both entrepreneur and investor can share the delusion of cutting legal costs by skimping necessary discussions which usually backfire and lead to unfair dilution if the company succeeds or ruined professional and personal relationships when the company fails.
Sam: I just raised a million dollars for my startup, GooberData! Kayla: Cool, how? Sam: A convertible note! Hey, where are you going?
willgr81 almost 8 years agoI like your style.
Angel Investor
The typical Angel Investor can be found in its natural habit, either grazing in the open pastures of tech conferences or herding in secret groups with other Angel Investors. If you happen to be lucky enough to encounter an Angel Investor in the wild, don't try to feed it with Buzzwords as it would run away. Instead, be honest and and try to listen more than you speak.
Hannah: Duuude, I met this Angel Investor at the conference last week and it was sooo cool! I even got a picture Jack: Woah! They really do have wings
willgr81 almost 8 years agoTechnical Debt
Technical debt is a metaphor referring to the eventual consequences of consistently pushing shitty code that works in the short term, but fucks you up in the long term.
Justin's team at Hooli spent the entire week accounting for their technical debt.
yungsnuggie almost 8 years agoRIGBY
"Richard is great, but y'know"
Basically a technique of abbreviating the positive preface to a conversation to get to the point.
RIGBY he's an arrogant prick.
RIGBY he sweats profusely and makes a terrible CEO
yungsnuggie almost 8 years agoSticker Whore
Someone who sticks dozens of corporate and code related stickers on their computer to show the world how much of a techie they are.
In his Gender and Womens Studies class, Ryan the sticker whore, pulled out his computer with clearly visible html 5, Node Js, MongDB, Facebook, octocat, and reddit stickers to impress his classmates.
yungsnuggie almost 8 years agoI see this so often
Stanford Robotics
According to the Silicon Valley television show they are a group of self loving assholes who troll around Palo Alto making useless things like robot deer.
Stanford Robotics built a Drake robot because they thought it would help girls notice them. When they did, they were so annoying to be around that the robot wasn't enough to keep their interest.
yungsnuggie almost 8 years agoWhat do you have against stanford robotics?
this particular definition was inspired by Season 3 Episode 1 of Silicon Valley
Customer churn
Customer churn refers to when a customer (player, subscriber, user, etc.) ceases his or her relationship with a company. Online businesses typically treat a customer as churned once a particular amount of time has elapsed since the customer's last interaction with the site or service.
Sky customer services uses a newer and far more accurate approach to customer churn prediction: at the core of Sky’s ability to accurately predict which customers will churn is a unique method of calculating customer lifetime value for each and every customer. - http://qwikfix.co.uk/sky-customer-services/
blog almost 8 years agoWe need a word for marketing through svdictionary definitions
Burning Man
The biggest Silicon Valley networking event of the year.
Burning Man will soon be gentrified just like Oakland.
yungsnuggie almost 8 years ago
lol