employeeNumbaOne
employeeNumbaOne (139)

4

Medium

A blogging platform to announce your Incredible Journey.

http://svdictionary.com/words/incredible-journey

Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 4 years ago

    3

    Does anyone make money around here?

    This question means different things depending on who's asking it and when.

    1. When customers start asking this, the company is Pre-Revenue.
    2. When investors start asking this, it's about to be a Down Round.
    3. When the founders start asking this, it's been an Awesome Journey.

    1: http://svdictionary.com/words/pre-revenue
    2: http://svdictionary.com/words/down-round
    3: http://svdictionary.com/words/awesome-journey

    Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 4 years ago

      3

      Down Round

      When you spend a borrowed $20, hit your pal up for $10 more, then wonder why your friends stop financing you.

      After this, you can become a Zombie Startup [1] or write a Medium post about your Awesome Journey [2].

      [1] http://svdictionary.com/words/zombie-startup
      [2] http://svdictionary.com/words/awesome-journey

      Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 4 years ago

        3

        Resting and vesting

        What you do after your Incredible Journey.

        Accelerator -> Pre-Revenue -> Down Round -> Incredible Journey -> Resting and Vesting

        Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 4 years ago

          3

          Incredible Journey

          Game over.

          We have some exciting news to share! Parse has joined forces with Facebook. It's been an incredible journey, and together we'll be able to offer --

          -- lol jk, we're winding down the Parse service, and Parse will be fully retired after a year-long period ending on January 28, 2017. We're proud that we've been able to help so many of you build great mobile apps, but Facebook bought us to kill us. We're just sticking around until we're fully vested. After that, we're out. Fuck those guys.

          Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 4 years ago

            2

            Agile

            In a medium-sized and growing company, Agile can be a learning experience for everyone.

            BigCo managers learn what it's like to ship tiny things instead of meeting about big things.
            Software engineers learn what it's like to have parental supervision.
            Early employees learn how to quit while they're ahead.

            Manager: "We will remove obstacles from your workflow and refrain from micromanagement."
            Engineer: "We will regularly estimate our stories and log our work."
            Engineer: "Wait a minute, where's Early Employee?"

            Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 4 years ago

              3

              Technical Debt

              A silly but effective analogy to explain refactoring to business people.

              Developer: "We need to refactor the legacy auth module, which is a dependency for most of our new modules."
              Business Guy: "... wat."
              Developer: "Some of our early code was debt-financed. That senior debt has preference until we pay it off."
              Business Guy: "Oh, I totally get it now. Why didn't you just say that?"

              Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne over 4 years ago

                52

                Early Employee

                A founder who will take 1% of the company instead of 25%. This is a polite way of saying "sucker."

                CEO: "We couldn't have done it without a few great early employees."

                Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 5 years ago

                • SingleCommaClub SingleCommaClub

                  I still wouldn't minded having been an early employee at Facebook or Uber.

                  4
                  Reply
                  over 4 years ago
                • employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne

                  @silconobserver Zach Holman.

                  1
                  Reply
                  almost 4 years ago
                • silconobserver silconobserver

                  This is total and utter bullshit. The founder risks his entire savings, family/friend relationships and pours his life into his startup. When things finally begin to work he goes out and hires the first few employees. In return the "early employees" get paid market rate or slightly below market rate and get equity and the founder gets painted as a greedy bastard? Who is the real sucker here

                  3
                  Reply
                  about 4 years ago
                9

                10x Engineer

                A developer who incurs technical debt so fast he appears more productive than the ten developers tasked with cleaning his mess up.

                Founder: "We are only looking for 10x Engineers."

                Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 5 years ago

                  8

                  Noncompete Agreement

                  Any agreement by which:
                  - The employee pretends they won't go work for the competition.
                  - The employer pretends it's enforceable in the State of California.

                  Engineer #1: "They wanted me to sign a noncompete."
                  Engineers: "AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

                  Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 5 years ago

                    6

                    On Demand

                    Another way of saying "for lazy people."

                    Meals on demand. That's right, we're revolutionizing the way you get pizza.

                    Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 5 years ago

                      8

                      Startup Dinner

                      4 contractors working evenings
                      $1800

                      Pizza for 4 full time engineers
                      $15

                      "Yes, you can -definitely- expense dinner."

                      Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 5 years ago

                        6

                        MVP

                        The "minimum viable product" is exactly like the product you had in mind, except with fewer features and more bugs.

                        Founder: "We're going to validate the market with our MVP."
                        Engineer: "Sweet!"

                        Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 5 years ago

                        6

                        CRUD App

                        An app that can create, read, update, and destroy information.

                        The proverbial hammer, and every single one of your brilliant startup ideas is a nail.

                        You are looking at a CRUD app right now.

                        Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 5 years ago

                          5

                          Federal

                          See http://svdictionary.com/words/enterprise, but way, way worse.

                          This word magically redirects investor attention elsewhere.

                          Founder: "Our ideal customer is the federal government."
                          VCs: "We are looking for more immediate ROI at this stage. It's been -really- nice talking to you."

                          Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 5 years ago

                            5

                            Enterprise

                            Adj. -- a synonym for "takes longer, but for way more money"

                            Sales: "The enterprise sales cycle takes months, but we're talking about whales here."
                            Engineer: "The enterprise module is going to be a huge effort, but if you're sure it'll be worth it..."

                            Manager: "All right, we've IPO'd now. It's time to adhere to enterprise process standards."
                            Sales & Engineering: "Does that mean we get raises?"

                            Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 5 years ago

                              4

                              Liquidity Event

                              Founders start off owning the entire company.
                              Then they convince VCs to buy some of it, and they use that money to pay themselves salaries.
                              Then the VCs convince either retail investors or a megacorporation to buy the company, and that's a liquidity event.

                              This sounds like a pyramid scheme, but trust me, it isn't.

                              Employees can't do anything with their stock options until a liquidity event.

                              Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 5 years ago

                                3

                                PG

                                I want to say Paul Graham, but I also want to know whether you're totally clueless and out of the loop.

                                "I finally met pg in person.
                                SENPAI NOTICED ME."

                                Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 5 years ago

                                  4

                                  Hackathon

                                  A team of sweaty engineers in a cramped coworking space building a product that will never see the light of day. Business and marketing types can assist this effort by bringing caffeinated drinks. Brought to you by Amazon.

                                  At the end, the most vaguely marketable product might get investor attention. If so, it will use AWS forever.

                                  Engineer (excitedly): "I'm going to a hackathon this weekend!"

                                  Engineer (exhaustedly): "I went to a hackathon this weekend."

                                  Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 5 years ago

                                    2

                                    Net 30

                                    I hope this fly-by-night startup pays me before my rent check is due.

                                    Founder: "And how fast do I need to pay you?"
                                    Freelancer: "Oh, it's Net 30."

                                    Freelancer crosses fingers for luck.

                                    Added by employeeNumbaOne employeeNumbaOne almost 5 years ago